Tag archives: wrong impressions

Wrong Impressions: Warren Changes Strategy for 2024 – Rebrands as Patriots Fan

In the wake of losing the 2020 Democratic Nomination for President to Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren has announced that she will change her strategy when she runs again for President in 2024: Warren will rebrand as a New England Patriots fan. “Even if Biden wins in November, it’s likely he won’t run again in 2024, and that’s why I’m taking the initiative and announcing my candidacy now. I’ve lost the last two Democratic nominations, and I realise I need to pivot and bring a fresh message that will help me reach voters I’ve failed to attract in the past. That’s …

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Wrong Impressions: Biden Shocks Democrats – Picks Chris Christie as VP Choice

Joe Biden has shocked Democrats by selecting Chris Christie as his Vice-Presidential pick. Biden had been saying for months that he would select a woman as his running mate – leading to speculation that Kamala Harris would ultimately be the candidate who would be chosen –, but in a stunning turn of events, Biden has not only picked a male candidate, but a Republican one at that. “I’m delighted to be picked and welcome the chance to serve America and work with our future president, Joe Biden,” said Chris Christie. “I know it’s unusual for a Democrat to pick a …

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Wrong Impressions: Satirist Really Feels He’s Making a Difference

A local satirist has spoken about his work and the worthwhile contribution he feels he is making. “I just feel at this time, when America is so divided and we’re heading towards possibly the biggest election of our lifetime, the most important thing I can do is write snarky headlines about both sides.” “While others are doing their part by protesting an authoritarian, fascist government, or helping the poor and desolate during a time of unprecedented hardship for this country, I’m making up little jokes about Joe Biden being a little bit slow in his old age. I really feel …

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Wrong Impressions: Obama on being President “What I miss most are the drone strikes”

Former President Barack Obama gave an interview to NBC last Saturday, during which he looked back on his presidency and also ahead to the November election. “What I miss most (about being president) are the drone strikes. God, they were fun. I used to fly remote control planes when I was younger – drone strikes are a lot like that; Except for all the innocent foreign people dying.” Obama added that the Republican party weren’t a fan of his drone strikes “Republicans prefer the whole invasion angle with American boots on the ground. I like drones – You can watch …

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Wrong Impressions: Steal His Look: Unidentified Federal Agent

Summer’s hottest new fashion trend is unquestionably the Unidentified Federal Agent. Captured here on a late-night jaunt with some friends, this Unidentified Federal Agent can’t wait to kidnap your heart. Dressed head-to-toe in the chicest camo, you’ll have no trouble standing out in the urban setting of Portland, drawing all eyes nationwide to your dominating fashion sense.  Finish the look with a light dusting of tear gas to really make your eyes pop before jumping into an unmarked van and patrolling your community for hot singles. First impressions matter, so make sure not to say anything before throwing your next …

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Wrong Impressions: How to Learn History in a Post-Statue World

One of the biggest concerns of late is the threat against our education system. All around the country, statues of slave-owners, Confederate generals, genocidal perpetrators, and general home-grown racists have been taken down in the name of “social justice,” leaving many Americans to ask, “How, now, will we learn history?” The question is an imperative one. How, without the visual depictions of historical icons, will we as a society remember history? How is it okay to erase history in this way? Citizens and historians alike are baffled, but one expert sees a light at the end of the tunnel.  Professor …

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Wrong Impressions: Trump to Honour the Confederacy by Simply Giving Up When Faced With the COVID Crisis

President Donald Trump has declared a new strategy in the fight against the COVID crisis: giving up. “The Confederacy was great; really, really great. It’s an important part of our history and those lousy, do-nothing Democrats want us to forget about it. Can you believe that? It’s really sad. But not me. That’s why I’m announcing that a core tenet of the Confederacy – giving up and waving a white flag – will be our new strategy for fighting against COVID. And we’ll get the best white flags. Beautiful flags. And by doing this we are ensuring that COVID will …

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