In the wake of losing the 2020 Democratic Nomination for President to Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren has announced that she will change her strategy when she runs again for President in 2024: Warren will rebrand as a New England Patriots fan.

“Even if Biden wins in November, it’s likely he won’t run again in 2024, and that’s why I’m taking the initiative and announcing my candidacy now. I’ve lost the last two Democratic nominations, and I realise I need to pivot and bring a fresh message that will help me reach voters I’ve failed to attract in the past. That’s why I am announcing that I have become a fan of the New England Patriots and will combine my progressive agenda with language more suited to the common voter, specifically Patriots fans,” said Warren during a televised Zoom call.

“At first I was sceptical ‘cos I don’t like being told what to do by an older woman. I didn’t move out of my mum’s house nearly 6 months ago for nothing you know,” said James, 43, a Patriots fan who watched Warren’s address from his best friend Mikey’s sister’s garage. “But then we noticed that this liberal chick was wearing a Pats jersey. She’s alright by me. Go Pats,” added Bill. “You mean increasing taxes would actually bring about a better quality of life for me and my family? And we don’t have to give up any draft picks? Sounds ok to me. Go Pats,” added Mikey, in between whipping batteries at his sister.

And Warren’s change of approach appears to be making a difference. “This lady Dem just compared Trump to the Jets and now I’m not too sure I want to vote for him, and perhaps abolishing the private prison system is required for greater racial equality. Go Pats,” said Billy, a Patriots fan and professional Fenway Franks eater. “First we got a black quarterback and now we got a lady politician. What a world,” added Billy, before Googling “Campaign Finance Reform”.

The Patriots are not the first sports team that Warren has connections to as she previously associated herself with the Cleveland Indians.

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