Joe Biden has shocked Democrats by selecting Chris Christie as his Vice-Presidential pick. Biden had been saying for months that he would select a woman as his running mate – leading to speculation that Kamala Harris would ultimately be the candidate who would be chosen –, but in a stunning turn of events, Biden has not only picked a male candidate, but a Republican one at that.
“I’m delighted to be picked and welcome the chance to serve America and work with our future president, Joe Biden,” said Chris Christie. “I know it’s unusual for a Democrat to pick a Republican as their running mate, but we must come together during this time for the common good and do what really matters: defeating Bernie Sanders.” Christie also rubbished suggestions that he will bully Biden and act as the real president during their term in office. “I can assure Democrats: I will not be making decisions for Joe Biden. As always, those decisions will be made by the Wall Street executives that are bank rolling his campaign,” added Christie in between shouting at interns.
“I’m shocked. I can’t believe it,” said a senior adviser within the DNC. “Christie was never on any of our lists. Why would he be? This is the most stunning thing to happen in recent political history, outside of all the crimes and stuff Donald Trump does on a daily basis that we keep letting him get away with. However, he is buying into this whole ‘Never Bernie’ thing that we at the DNC are committed to, so I give him points for that.”
Biden urged for unity at this time and praised Christie; “Chris is a great guy and will be a tremendous Vice-President. I’ve always believed in two things above all others in politics: pleasing Republicans and disappointing women, and with this pick I believe I have achieved both of my goals. This November, the choice is clear: are you going to vote for a deranged, chubby loud-mouth and his quiet, conservative side kick? Or are you going to vote for Donald Trump and Mike Pence?” added Biden as he sat on Christ Christie’s knee and was handed a lollipop.
Wrong Impressions is of course satire. The real world is much crazier.