Summer’s hottest new fashion trend is unquestionably the Unidentified Federal Agent.

Federal agents in camouflage military gear walk on the street of Portland, Oregon.

Captured here on a late-night jaunt with some friends, this Unidentified Federal Agent can’t wait to kidnap your heart. Dressed head-to-toe in the chicest camo, you’ll have no trouble standing out in the urban setting of Portland, drawing all eyes nationwide to your dominating fashion sense. 

Finish the look with a light dusting of tear gas to really make your eyes pop before jumping into an unmarked van and patrolling your community for hot singles. First impressions matter, so make sure not to say anything before throwing your next catch in the back of your van and taking this date to an undisclosed location without explanation or identification. 

Accessories are a must so here’s our quick guide to stealing the look:

Tear Gas to Take Their Breath Away: $18

Zip-ties and Rope for Captivating Hearts and Minds: A bargain $20

Black Bag (Doubles as a Hood!): $130

Federally Issued Gas Mask to Obscure Identity: Here for unlisted price

Wrong Impressions is of course satire. The real world is much crazier.

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